I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
