Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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