Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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