I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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