you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
