Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
