I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
