Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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