the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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