just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize