The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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