Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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