I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
