his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
