i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
