And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
