i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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