my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
