Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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