mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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