I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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