shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
