i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
