I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
