I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
