hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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