i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My penis needs a shock collar
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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