My liver just broke up with me...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
