no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
