nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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