a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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