Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
