Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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