I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am one with the molecules
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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