I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
