Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
