how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
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I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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