I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
