I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm jealous of your bromance
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
