epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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