Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
