Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
