apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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