I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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