TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
