I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
