Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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