Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
