the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
