There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
