Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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