the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
id be glad to
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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