So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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