Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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