On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
