my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
