Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
